I coach novice writers, offer services in story editing (content - not proofreading). Here's what I teach new writers in my 1-on-1 coaching, and what I offer most often as editing suggestions in my manuscript editing.
Anyone can write first drafts:
Sera sat at the bar’s table, and picked up the drink. She paused for a second. The smell was awful. But she drank it down, hating the taste.
Laughing was heard behind her, as she sat with eyes closed. Opening them, she gave a look at her companion who was chortling to himself.
Barry teased her about the drink. And it made her defensive.
“That is…awful,” Sera the android replied. Since she’d been discharged and graduated from the Group home, she found still she had trouble eating and drinking.
This is a writer telling the reader things. It’s a great start because the writer got some words down on the page. But it’s only story facts being told to the reader, so far. We see almost nothing physical, visual, visceral. We can’t see much of what this bar, android, or her friend looks like or feel that we're watching anything ‘in-scene’. We can’t hear the sounds in this bar. Sera must know how her body is reacting to that drink, she must feel something about being laughed at, and a reaction might be in order because of either of those things.
You write well when you look at the first draft and then try showing a reader that stuff— by making edits. And the stronger edits use senses to show more.
Take a look at the first round edits in the paragraph below. Again, like with most writing advice— This topic is aimed at Showing and not Telling: Telling is writing that your character is in a seedy bar, having a drink she doesn’t want. And further, that she is not used to solid foods or drink for that matter. Everything in these paragraphs tells right now.
But, with the five senses they can show us instead.
IF you show it with senses then some extra words can be removed, which leads to a faster, tighter read: right now, these words tell but they are not visual words that show.
First round edits. Trying to show more:
Sera sat at a table in the dim bar, picked up the drink before her and took a deep breath. She paused for a second once it reached her lips, already able to smell it. Gathering herself she tipped it down her throat, baulking at the taste.
The sound of laughter filtered through to her as she realized she had scrunched her eyes shut in disgust. Opening them she shot a withering look at her companion who stood chortling to himself.
“That is their mildest drink, and still you can’t hack it,” noted Barry with a shake of his head.
“That was…awful,” Sera replied, looking at her glass. It was nearly a year since she’d been discharged and graduated to human interactions from the Android Group home and still she had trouble with simple things like eating and drinking.
Cool. A good start.
Now, can this be made even more visual, physical and visceral? Here is a sample list of the senses.
Visual – What does this place we are in look like? Colors, textures, shadows, light. Mix it into the narrative– be sparse in this but show it to us in small ways and do that right up front, don’t keep us waiting. Use the senses to show the reader dimness, or silence, or the feel of residue of old, past spilled drinks on the table or the glasses. The time of day.
Smells – the same as above, is someone taking a drink? Do more than telling us that, “Sera took a drink.”—have the character smell that drink: not in words like acrid, show us the reaction of acrid. Also, smell that ‘seedy bar’. The sweat of the unwashed patrons – machine oil and welding fumes. The amber lights, that conceal in their shadows– what?
Touch – Is a fan blowing? The air still? Is the glass in her hand cool? The bar none to clean? The bar or table where they sit— is it still damp from a rag carelessly swiped before she sat down?
Tastes – not in words “The drink tasted awful.”— in motion — Show us the reaction of the word acrid. Mime to yourself drinking and hating it. Pushing that swallow down. Then write that for us. What did your body do as it mimed? Put this in new ways. Not the tried and true [acrid stench] but in your words for a mouthful of something you’d rather spit out. Write that feeling. Show us.
Sounds – Did ice tinkle when her friend laughed? Did she slam her drink down in disgust? Did her strength of her grip make the glass squeak as she shuddered from the taste? Did she stifle a noise? Is there music playing, have they heard that song before? Is the music from this galaxy or from back home? Have they heard this song 50 times before, this month alone? Make this place come alive. Then do this for every instance when we are now in a new location of your story. Show it to us.
Second round edits. Writing for senses:
Sera sat down at a table in the dim bar, her shoulder blades meeting tightly as she hunched. She picked up the unwanted drink before her and took a deep breath. Once it reached her lips she paused for a second, already able to smell its inevitable stench, like some caustic chemical stored in drums in the mechanic’s bay. Gathering herself she tipped it down her throat, her shuddering intake of breath bringing its fumes into her sinuses, so that the torture lingered.
The sound of laughter filtered through to her as the noises in the bar bounced and magnified, mingling with the jukebox tunes; the rough scuffing of stools and the angry click of pool cues on ivory. She realized she had scrunched her eyes shut in disgust. Opening them she shot a withering look at her companion who chortled to himself.
“That is their mildest drink, and still you can’t hack it,” noted Barry with a shake of his head, his eyes on his own sweaty drink.
The burning sensation had reached an area just behind her sternum.
“That was…awful.” Sera replied disdainfully down at her glass, her elbows tight at her sides. It was nearly a year since she’d been discharged and graduated to human interactions from the Android Group home and still she had trouble with simple things like eating and drinking.
What can you do with your own paragraphs? Give it a try, rewrite it using senses and showing verbs. Do it quickly and with the best word choices you can. Don’t be heavy handed with it. If you come up with five ideas for each sense, select the best of the 25 ideas and add those to your first round edit.
We added maybe 80 words or so to our example, but in the final expansion, we also showed much more of this world via senses in the writing that weren’t there in the first draft.
Take any one of your own paragraphs and try this exercise. Make additions that will show us what you see when you visualize your story in your head. The goal is never just MORE WORDS.
If you think coaching will help, I can walk you though these steps in real time. Contact me. My rates are criminally low. I care about good writing, first and foremost.
(This post is a re-write from EJ's original wordpress blog. posted 5/1/2013)
About The AuthorE.J. Runyon Author, Writing Coach at Bridge to Story at Bridge to Story http://www.bridgetostory.com/
I am a writer, coach, and the creator of BridgetoStory.com, a writing service providing instruction to novices and other writers online and off. I've coached writers as individuals and in small groups since 1997.